Erma Bombeck
Born February 21, 1927, and
named Erma Fiste. Died
April 22, 1996. Her death was attributed to Transplanted Kidney failure.
As a child I first saw Erma Bombeck on an old talk show. From that day on,
I was enthralled with the idea to be like her. Maybe it was her sense of
humor which attracted me. You could feel that she really did have her
family and their best interest within her. She was what I call 'family focused'
She just made us laugh at (at that moment) terrible situations. It seemed
to help me through many years; as I would always have her voice echoing in my
head. Her funny saying which brought me out of turmoil and back to
control.
A few Musings of Erma Bombeck
"Shopping is a woman thing.
It's a contact sport like football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds,
the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy of the purchase."
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
"There are 2 kinds of women who will spring big bucks for a make-up mirror that
magnifies their faces. The first are young models who need to cover every
eyelash, shadow their cheekbones, define their lips, and sculpt their faces. The
second group are women who, without their glasses, cannot find their faces."
"Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the
dessert cart."
"I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to
drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute
pecan pie."
"Every day of his or her life a child is plotting an event that will age you 20
years in 20 seconds."
"Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no one
ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3
directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know
what Mama knows."
"I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will
only take so many facts, and then it will go into overload and blow up."
"I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the
timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how
to drive a car will occur in the same week."
"Most children's first words are ``Mama'' or ``Daddy.'' My kid's first words
were, ``Do I have to use my own money?''
"People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow."
"Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't turn it on."
"Everyone is guilty at one
time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers
seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a spanking or do you want to
go to bed?" Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother?" Wasn't
there any change?"
Mothers have to remember what food each child likes or dislikes, which one is
allergic to penicillin and hamster fur, who gets carsick and who isn't kidding
when he stands outside the bathroom door and tells you what's going to happen if
he doesn't get in right away. It's tough. If they all have the same hair color
they tend to run together.
When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it's a mere formality.
It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake
the bed after their children do it because there's a wrinkle in the spread or
the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
When mothers talk about the depression of the empty nest, they're not mourning
the passing of all those wet towels on the floor, or the music that numbs your
teeth, or even the bottle of capless shampoo dribbling down the shower drain.
They're upset because they've gone from supervisor of a child's life to a
spectator. It's like being the vice president of the United States.
Christmas Shopping: Wouldn't it be wonderful to find one gift that you didn't
have to dust, that had to be used right away, that was practical, fit everyone,
was personal and would be remembered for a long time? I penciled in "Gift
certificate for a flu shot."
Forever
Erma